How many times as mother have you woken up and struggled to remember the last time that you had a shower?.
That was me this morning, as i awoke to a tweek of the nipple, a fondle of my bottom lip, and a gentle whisper in my ear to the tune of "boooooobie" i cracked the tightly closed slits of my over tired eye lids open to see miss "almost 2" staring at me, a quick check of my phone and see its 5am....
"fuck this!, its meant to be easier not HARDER!, i am meant to have more energy and be more organised now that my little boob monster is older than what i was when she was weeks old"
have you found this?, that the toddler breastfeeding stage is harder and takes more dedication than feeding a new born?
Or is it just my child that needs me 24/7, and wont even de latch for me to pee.
How can she be sticking nappy wipes to the walls one minute and then have a sudden "omg!!...its been MINUTES since i had the boob!!!...where is the boob lady?...." moment and then be climbing up my leg begging for the boob the next?....its exhausting!
I have at times wondered if it was all actually worth it, wondered if feeding this demanding little being every three hours like clock work as if she was a new born was worth the greasy unwashed hair, piles of unfolded washing, abuse of the standard YouTube entertainment time one spends watching...well...shit, while being plonked on the couch with your tit hanging out.
And even though i know better and am more educated on breastfeeding than i sometimes give myself credit for, i suddenly start to want to doubt it all.
I mean seriously, she couldn't possible NEED a feed could she?, she eats like a horse and I baby wear her to the point that whacking on a carrier seems like part of getting dressed now.
So as im sitting on the couch with this little person sucking the life out of me (i sometimes wonder if there is even anything in there), sometime i go blog wandering, and occasionally i find a blog that is a better read than some of the novels i have read.
So, my friends post a link on facebook, right at the time that i was surfing the wall and contemplating the complaining post i was about to post in regards to being hard done by due to a demanding, boob sucking toddler.
I read it.
My heart sinks.
what i read is a blog of a mother weaning her toddler, it was a simple blog and a short read which is what i like, but by the end of it, it had me a blabbering mess.
This mummy explains how she takes her toddler to the beach to "wash away her nums and wash away her toddlers baby' in what will mark the start of the end of their journey together as breastfeeding soul mates.
Then, i look down at the little soul that stares up to me, calm, feeding, and happy with gratitude in her eyes, and i vow to her, "this is your journey, you do away with it when its right for you"
I suddenly realised that the earth wasn't going to end just because of 3 hours solid on the couch together, the washing would still be there, the paper work and invoicing wasn't going to go anywhere, i really had nothing more to worry about other than making it to the school drop off and pick up, and keeping this little last toddler soul of mine happy and loved.
So here is to all of the breastfeeding mummas that have shit days, you are an entire universe to a little person and your comfort can heal hearts, dry tears, sooth sickness, make memories and raise happy children. Even if you do have B.O and greasy hair in the meantime.
You rock Mumma, keep up the great work.
And to answer my own questions of silliness, YES, she does NEED a feed, she needs to feed for her own comfort, for her confidence, her energy levels, health, and most of all, to know that i am there for her needs whenever she needs them at what ever time of the day, not matter what i'm dong, she is the most important thing to me.
She can explore and learn this fun and confusing world knowing that she can return "home" at any needed moment.
One day the "nums" will wash away and so will her "baby", and my heart along with them.